It's strange, but as I get older, and see everyone around me start to...couple, it makes me feel empty. No, empty gives the wrong impression...I guess I get more impatient. I feel seperated, outcasted. I'm not going to lie, I'm jealous I don't have a boyfriend and some girls do. Now, am I head over heels jealous? No, I'm afraid not. It's more of a, "Darn, you're lucky."
I don't have another to talk to about my views. And I'm not talking about political, or religious, because I have those kinds of people, but someone who can really stare through my eyes, and understand the words that come out of my mouth, even though I'm not the best at speaking my ideas. I don't share that simple connection with another. Some of the people around me do, though, and it makes me feel a little left out. So I've been thinking about it, and maybe the reason I feel the need to travel the world is becaues my mate isn't here in America, he's somewhere out there waiting for me in a very unlikely place. He's over in China, taking pictures of pandas, or in Japan sitting at a desk drawing, or in France baking a pastry of some sort. Or, maybe I could be passing him in the hallways at school, not even noticing him, him not even noticing me. So close, but not yet there, waiting for the right time to be introduced.
It's pathetically poetic.
But there's always the possiblity that I'll never find my mate, or that I've already ruined my chances with him. It's an amusing thought, right? Though, I'm very young. I don't need a man to be happy, or a woman for that matter. I simply want someone who understands me perfectly, instead of all of these great friends who, while I love them to death, can't communicate with me the way I want them too. They either say I'm crazy, or get mad and try to change the subject to something of little importance.
I'm pretty sure my feelings are understandable, right? We've all been here? Thinking: when will I find the one?!
I used to think, like a week ago, that this kinda thing didn't matter. I'm so young. So much life! So much time! But, then I saw my current crush talking to his ex-girlfriend and I was like: Oh...
Though, I think they look so cute together! Like, she's adorable, he's adorable, together they're just so cute! Yes, I like him, but just because I like him, doesn't mean I have control over him, or anything like that. He's his own person who makes his own big boy desicions. Not only that, but I've kinda got the hint they might get back together, anyway, so... Life goes on. The world doesn't end. I personally think this attitude is a good one, but people think it's weird. They may not say it to my face, but I can tell when they look at me, they judge me. It's not like I feel bad about myself, but I want to explain myself. No, I feel the need to explain myself when they do that, and it's not fair to me. I shouldn't have to explain myself or my actions.
So...that's another reason I want to find "the one." I want my mate and I want him now. I want to talk to him. I want to get his opinions. I want to hear his voice. I want to joke around with him. I want to take ugly pictures with him, and most of all, I want him chat with me when we watch movies, pointing out the flaws in acting, camera angles, etc. Even more than that, I need a man who feels as strongly about super heroes as I do!
And while I'm ranting, I'd like to say, I'm sick of being the sunshine in people's life. I make people smile, and then in return, they don't make me smile. I try so hard to make my friends happy. I do so much for them, so many little things to see their lips turn upwards, and what do I get for it? Nothing. Nothing at all. They take that for granted. And it's not like I can just get new friends, I need them! I need them to do these small things for me! I know they love me, and appreciate me, but I need something in return. A little sacrafice every now and then wouldn't be too hard, right? That's how relationships work: compromise.